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Misc | Music Definitions | Musical Terms | Trumpet | Drums | Viola/Violin | Bag Pipes
HISTORY OF THE PIPES
The bagpipes were invented by the ancient Greeks. On one of the many raids for wine, gold, and Yanni CDs, the Celts stole the bagpipes. The pipes travelled across Europe, and, with the Celtic abandonment of those areas corrupted by the Romans, finally made their way to Scotland. In a very shrewd deal indeed, the Scots traded the secret of the pipes to the Irish in exchange for whisky. The Irish will eventually sober up and catch on to the joke.
The pipes are actually a weapon of war, with two methods of usage: Method number one: Take several hundred pipes, and tune in unison. You will get a resonance capable of shat-tering castle walls.
Method number two: Take several hun-dred bagpipes, and tune to personal taste, or lack thereof, and you get a subsonic discordant shriek that sends humans or Englishman running screaming while trying to claw their faces off.
Both of these methods were employed at the battle of Jericho in 1397 B.C. First use of sonic weapons combined with psychological warfare. A performance that truly brought the house down. (Trumpets weren't really used. Joshua recorded the deed as involving trumpets to keep the technique secret.)
Pipes are still valid as a weapon. I recall the time at a science fiction convention where the hotel was being most annoying, and a young man in the elevator announce, "Boy, I'm angry. I'm going home to get my bagpipes."
"Oh, you play the pipes?" I asked.
"No," he replied. "But I own pipes."
Shudder.
And there's an Irish friend of mine who says he's been unable to find a market for, "Fugue in C#SusMin7 for Accordion, Saxophone, and Bagpipe."
One wonders.
The aforementioned Irish not only are convinced the pipes are a musical instrument, they added a bellows arrangement to inflate the bag rather than blowing into them. We Scots find this most amusing, considering how much hot air the Irish possess.
Q: What's the difference between a piper and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.
Q: Define a "gentleman."
A: Someone who knows how to play the pipes but refrains from doing so.
Q: What do you call a bus loaded with pipers, except for one empty seat, going off a cliff?
A: A waste of a damned good seat.
Q: Why do pipers march while they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: What's the difference between a skunk and a bagpiper?
A: There's skid marks in front of a skunk.
Q: What's the difference between a skunk and a bagpiper?
A: The skunk is more likely to get a gig.
Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q: How can you tell a piper with perfect pitch?
A: He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
Q: How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A: You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q: What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A: You can tune the lawn mower; and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A: Add vibrato.
Q: What's the difference between a dead piper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A: The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q: What's the range of a bagpipe?
A: Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q: Why are a piper's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q: How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A: Someone is blowing into it.
Q: Why is a bagpipe like a SCUD missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q: ``Hey, Buddy. How late does the pipe band play?''
A: ``Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.''
Q: What's one thing you never hear people say?
A: Oh, that's the pipe player's Porsche.
Q: Why do pipers always walk when they play?
A: Moving targets are harder to hit.
Q: How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.
Q: How can you tell a piper with perfect pitch?
A: He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
Q: How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A: You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q: What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A: You can tune the lawn mower; and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A: Add vibrato.
Q: What's the difference between a dead piper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A: The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q: What's the range of a bagpipe?
A: Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q: Why are a piper's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q: Why is a bagpipe like a SCUD missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q: ``Hey, Buddy. How late does the pipe band play?''
A: ``Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.''
Q: Why do they call it a ``kilt''?
A: Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.